I shared a conversation the other day that I wanted to explore more. A friend and I were sitting at a bar after two days of hiking and one backpacking night. Getting that celebratory beer we all look forward to even on the shortest of trips. After a backpacking trip, it feels so strange getting back into society. Looking around knowing that no one else other than who you went with is in the same mental state of bliss. The miles walked with nothing surrounding you but the tall trees, water streams, and with nothing to hear but the birds chirping. On these trips, I really get lost in my head. In all the best ways. For me, it’s way better than any meditation done at home. Even the shorter one night trips are like a reset button I press. They help me look past any mental blockage I may be having.
Here we are, sitting at this bar on the side of the road that we found on the way home. It was actually pretty nice. Kind of weird seeing one nice bar among all the holes in the walls surrounding it. My friend looks at me and says that he needs to find more self-love. He feels as if he doesn't have enough of it. Or maybe that he is getting there but the roots that are grown from it are not deep enough in the ground yet to be able to hold him up regardless of what's around him. I remembered when I felt that way. Let me describe my friend’s personality so you understand a little better about what I mean. This guy is amazing. He is inspiring in the music he writes, the meals he cooks, the way his body dances on a rock climbing wall. The amount of confidence you see in him when he climbs is so inspiring. SO in tune with his body and mind to be able to get up these harder routes. Self-love just didn’t seem like a problem to him. He owns his own house and has heated seats in his car (which heated seats definitely means you have life figured out along with all the self-love you need, I thought) When I met him I thought that he has life "figured out" He is goofy while seeming to be himself in any situation you put him in. When he looked at me and told me that he needed to find more self-love and that he has a lot of dark thoughts that he needs to work through, I understood what he meant. Just because everything around you is going well, doesn't mean that your beliefs and mindset are strong enough yet.
Last night I decided to read my journals again. This one was from 2017. When I left the boyfriend I had been living with. In those pages, I wrote “I have found my life partnership. She is so pure, loyal, and true. Her strengths are my weaknesses and my weaknesses are her strengths. She is amazing inside and out and I will love her for all she is. All the good and all the bad. I have found the partnership I have wanted in myself” When my friend said he needed more self-love it brought me back to those words in my journal. It reminded me of how far I have come. Self-love is a hike that only you can walk. It's something that you have to be able to find on your own and the worst/best part? You will never fully find it. You will have moments where all the self-love you have learned gets trampled on. Where you get a little lost on your path and turn around, just to figure out you were going the correct way in the first place. Those moments will never go away. They may start to not happen as often, maybe you go down your rabbit hole once a day, then that turns into once a week, then once a month and so on. My journey will not look like yours. Mine may take longer to get a steady base than your journey. Don’t rush it. Life is about walking your own journey to self-love and finding people who encourage you along the way. You’ll find them on their journey as well and encourage them just like they do for you.
Self-love is about loving and respecting yourself enough to love and respect others. Once my roots were grown enough in my self-love, I was able to start looking at people the same way I look at myself. I began realizing that we all are not that different after all. We may enjoy different hobbies but our bones are the same. We all want love and acceptance. We all have moments where our anger gets the best of us. I learned to stop getting defensive and started understanding.
The best thing I can do is accept who I am while accepting others and knowing that the only person I can control is myself. I am the only person I want to control anyways. Self-love shouldn't be mistaken for narcissism. In self-love, the control over others has completely gone away. Self-love is about understanding yourself so that way you have a better understanding of how you affect others. It's losing that sense of control over others because you recognize that you hate being controlled.
Self-love is a continuous journey. Finding love for yourself will never end. I experience new challenges every day with every chapter of my life. Self-love is the most important kind of love you can have so you can love others in the most healthy way.
Self-love isn't created to manipulate or deceive people. When you do that you are just manipulating and deceiving yourself deep down. Love is so pure. Love is so kind. Love brings out so many vibrant colors with everything we see. Love should bring out the best in everyone. I believe what blocks us from that love is fear. Fear of who we are, fear of what we think, what others think. We self sabotage ourselves based off of fear.
We learn to fall and all we have to do is get back up. Once we start to find the love in ourselves and the love in others, each time we fall it gets easier and easier to stand back up. I strive to surround myself by others who are walking their self-love journey in hopes that I will be able to spend a lot of time with someone on the same journey. Someone to encourage me along the way. Someone to accept me for who I am with no expectations. Someone who appreciates that I want to be with them, I don't need to be. I want someone who gives me the freedom to make my own choices and doesn’t try to control any of them. I think that's what most of us want.
I often wonder if we are all heading to the same destination, just taking different ways to get there. Either way, I choose to love. To love myself, to love others, to love life in every way I can. I understand that self-love is a life journey, not just a for now adventure. I like to be the sun that shines, not the rain that pours. That doesn't mean that I don't see the rain in the forecast, it just means that I look forward to the rainbow at the end.
“Men may think a wild woman is a woman to be feared. They think, "oh she's a wild woman, that must mean she's dangerous. She's probably crazy, too much to handle." And in a sense, it's true. She's too much for someone who isn't ready to show up fully and check their ego at the door. She's too much for someone who would rather have small talk than go deep. She's too much if you expect her to hold back her anger or her sadness or pain to protect you from seeing her in her chaos. But trust this: a wild woman is the safest type of woman you'll ever meet. She doesn't hold back. There are no surprises. You'll meet her and she'll let you see her for who she is. She trusts her own worthiness enough to reveal herself to you and let you decide whether or not you'd like to walk with her. She doesn't hide parts of herself in an attempt to keep your love because she doesn't have time for connections that lack depth and meaning. A wild woman will invite you to love all parts of yourself. She'll accept you in that place, because she has done the work to accept herself there. -Sheleana Aiyana”
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