You creep up to surprise me when I am in the middle of work. You knock on my door just after I kicked you out. You force yourself into my life. I take a sip of coffee, something I normally love and instead of warmth, I feel a tightness in my heart. I know in my mind you are not healthy for me. I know you bring nothing of value to my life. Yet I keep letting you in. I open my door to you. I have been learning to not let you stay as long though. I have been learning how to ignore you.
The social distancing is difficult. The “loss” of the community is something I struggle with. My friends and family have shown me a way to fix it. The video chatting helps. My communication with others helps me forget you. The video chatting brings my family and friends closer during this strange “distancing”. I feel healthy again when I see my friends and family. I feel a sense of normality in this chaos. I wonder how the prison systems justify the isolation chamber. Is that some cruel torture of the past yet?
It’s crazy how quickly my life changed. All within a three-month time frame. Deciding to move to Columbus, finding a job and apartment all in two weeks. Having a partner one day and hearing they are leaving the next. Finding a hobby, creating your sanctuary and finding a routine. Getting settled in not realizing what lies ahead. Not realizing the changes that were to happen the following week.
Through all that, I have found so many wonderful things! I have made friends and relationships that are already so much more rewarding than who I have left or that has left me. I have created relationships that are true to me. The real me. The authentic me. Not the “me” that partied in college. Not the me that tried to fill the voids in my life with alcohol, drugs, and relationships that left me unfulfilled.
I have found connections that resonate with my true being. Connections that are meaningful and deep. Relationships that mean the world to me. With my boss, my friends, my co-workers, and my family. I feel like I am on cloud 9 all the time now that I have stayed more true to who I am. Moving down here has allowed me to make sure my roots are strong. And they are. In this time of uncertainty, I feel really good. I feel happy.
That is how I kick you out! That is how I get you to leave me alone. I remember that the way things are now is not the way they will stay. I have moved on from you. Even though I feel you in my heart, I can acknowledge you and push you out. There is no room in my world for the feeling you bring. These moments are too good for me to let you in. My world is too wonderful to acknowledge your doubts!
When I hear you knocking at my door, I am better at not answering. When I feel you as I take my sips of coffee, I breathe in and forget the tightness. I smell in the scents of the grounded beans, feel the warmth from it and imagine the light from the coffee filling my body. I hold my warm cup of dark liquid in my hands and focus on the happiness that liquid brings to me and forget about you. You are a part of me which means I can control everything about you. You are my anxiety and you are not welcomed in my world. You are the dark parts of me. You are all my weaknesses and none of my strengths. You are all my meaningless insecurities. I can control you. You are my anxiety and I will not let you define me. You hold me back from who I can become. I forget you more and more as time goes on. You are toxic and you are a feeling I can control. I do not control anything else in this world other than me, which means I can control you.
With the distancing this Coronavirus brings, we have so much time to ourselves. So much time to look into who we are. Insecurities we have are more pronounced. We have more time to get lost in our heads. We have more time to heal, to find ourselves. More time to accept who we are and more time to shine a light on our darker being. We really get to reflect on what we find important and where we find value. Whether that value is held in relationships or more time to ourselves, we have more time to get creative and do what we have been putting off.
Happy quarantining!
Quote to Contribute to this post;
Consider a tree for a moment. As beautiful as trees are to look at, we don't see what goes on underground - as they grow roots. Trees must develop deep roots in order to grow strong and produce their beauty. But we don't see the roots. We just see and enjoy the beauty. In much the same way, what goes on inside of us is like the roots of a tree. Joyce Meyer”
Song to Contribute: Find Your Way - Rising Appalachia
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