Nothing is ever certain. From the weather forecast to the day someone I love dies. Life is unpredictable. The people apart of my life now may never be apart of my life again. They may just be passing through my world that I have created. I love them just the same. Everyone I come across has something to teach me. It is undetermined how long these moments I am in now will last. I have to learn how to find peace in the unknown. How to find acceptance in letting go.
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When backpacking I feel wobbly when I walk. I notice that I feel more stable as I distribute the pressure on other areas of my body and balance my frame out. I wonder if I will ever get the hang of walking to perfection. I wonder if my body will ever get to the point of feeling no pain on long stretches. I walk miles some days and on those days I feel more in tune with my body due to the areas I feel the most pain. To think that walking is something I learned so young and still am able to improve. Crazy how something as simple as how I walk can change. On long hikes, I use trekking poles to help support me since I know I am better with the help they provide and I know I am able to walk further distances.
I tie these concepts into my life. When dealing with the uncertainty I am facing now, I think about how I distribute my weight while I am backpacking. To find balance in my daily life, I keep in mind to distribute my activities and not lean too much on one. On my daily list, I have yoga, walking/running, strength, studying, and playing my ukulele. I keep a whiteboard by my door that lists what I need to do every day to keep myself sane. To feel fulfilled. When I get a little lost or overwhelmed, I look at my board at what I have yet to check off for my day. In some ways creating a distraction from what may be consuming my mind.
As I check my activities off my list I feel my day is successful. A little less chaotic. I don’t put a time limit or a distance on any of them. I have no expectations for my list. I do what is written even if it’s only for 5 minutes. When I am unable to complete everything, I look at what I have completed. Yesterday anxiety, worry, and uncertainty started to get to me. I checked off everything on my list and felt better. I looked at my day and realized that while it was not as good as some of the days before it, it was a day that will pass and a day I made the most of. A day I still felt I accomplished. Sometimes we are just human bodies going through the motions. Somedays we shine an immense amount of positive energy on everyone around us.
Using the trekking poles on long hikes reminds me of how I need people to get me through this long life. While every single day that passes has something to be grateful for when I feel uncertain about my life I look to my family and friends. They remind me of who I am. They remind me that even when I feel dull, I am bright. They keep me grounded and I look to every single one of them for the support they give. They are all amazing in their own way. I look to them for different things. Knowing not to put too much pressure on any one of them. I know I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for these people. I know that while they may not all stay in my world later, I have them now. I realize that through all this uncertainty, who is here in my day, in my hour right now, is here to stay for this moment. So I soak it all in. I live through the conversation and try to give them my undivided attention. I do not know how long I have with them. I just know I have them at the moment.
I look around my apartment and wonder if years from now I will remember this. I wonder if I will think of this as a stepping stone. Sometimes I get worried that I will be here forever. Fearing my life is stagnant. I think about the future and try to bring myself back down to the present. How do I feel about this place right now?
I feel wonderful about it. I feel like this has been so amazing. The relationships I have created are breathtaking. All the energy I have surrounding me is so positive and bright. That may be because that energy is the one I choose to feel. Positive vibrations is the frequency I choose to ride on even when I see the negative. Right now I feel like the small space works for my cat, my dog, and I. I feel this is my home for now. And I remind myself I am excited to be here. The uncertainty of the future is irrelevant because I think of the certainty of my present feelings.
Some people say you should worry about your future. I think you should do the exact opposite. The future is undetermined. The present is all that is certain. I know that I need to lead my life by showing my heart. Making sure my choices are true to myself. Making sure my words are out of love, not hurt or anger or sadness. I know that when I am having a day full of anxiety or a day full of doubt, not to let that affect my being. By leading every day with love and acceptance, I know my future will be full of happiness. No matter how sturdy I feel I remember that there is always so much to learn.
Keeping in mind that I am still finding small improvements with walking, something that I have been doing for the longest time. I know there is still so much to learn about the people around me, the environment I put myself in, and the feelings I have. I continue learning the subtlest of things every single day. The other day I looked around. I truly saw colors and opened my eyes to what was around me. I saw the vibrant colors of purple, pink, and green. I go through these spurts where I forget to remember that I can see. I can look around and I can see. How cool is that? I realize I take that simple thing for granted sometimes. How much else am I taking for granted by worrying about things and people that I have no control over?
When I worry about my uncertain future, I remember what is certain in my moments right now.
Quote to go along with this post;
“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity. ” — Gilda Radner”
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